What I yearn for is the word “beautiful” to pass through your lips to describe me.
It used to happen so easily.
But now it is lost in the vagueness of forgotten inclinations and shuttered emotions.
Barriers brought on by a culture that allows no leniency for failed attempts.
Feeling half a man, you refuse to see me as a whole woman.
I am just a broken piece of glass. Bad luck and burdensome.
You bury me in the trash and I am forgotten.
I struggle to find a place with you
Unsure of the appropriate physical proximity of our feelings.
I tug on your sleeve and try to find your lips
You push me headfirst into your chest, barely holding me…
I breathe in your scent
Intoxicated by its beauty.
I make another attempt at intimate contact
You pull me toward you but stifle my effort
For now, all I have is the sweet scented air of your body.
The warmth of your arms wrapped around me, holding us back from an emotional bond.
I desperately want to connect myselfwithyou,
To feel your warmth envelope every part of me.
To hold your face close to mine and gently trace it with my fingertips.
In my eyes, you are perfectly flawed.
Elegant and handsome; struggling to find your way in a clumsy brilliance that I admire.
I only wish that your heart felt the same.
– S. (2017)
In a messy array of awkward struggles
I am tanygloedu in
– S (2016)
“Don’t worry,” you told me, “it will be fine.”
My mind races to all the ways it won’t be fine. All the catastrophic (mis?)representations of events that will unfold in twenty odd days run amuck.
Anxious firings of electrical messengers dancing chaotically:
My brain screams, “It will not be fine!”
My hands type, “okay.”
“Sometimes , I hate how much I love you.”
She stared at the words scribbled in neat typeface on the screen .
She erases them.
All that remains is a one sided projection of a chemical reaction.
Using your smile
I painted a small cloud in the sky.
I watched it float away
beyond the reach of my eye.
When i forget to breathe
the sun reminds me to fill my lungs.
In the moment that grayscale takes over,
the sun projects brilliant colors across my eyes.
In the midst of the race, my legs weak from running on empty,
the sun carries me to the finish line.
Simple reminders of the blood in my veins-
the sun fills my heart and it regains it’s pulse.
My soul drained from me,
My world non-existent.
When I forget that I am alive—
reminds me that i exist.